Harry and the day of oaths
by crocket
Summary: Well this little idea i had and wrote some time ago, i forgot to post  oops  anyway Harry gets annoyed and decides to take things in own hands. With the help of Amelia Bones and some magical oaths, and yes i do suck at summerys. Put as mature for safety
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own Harry Potter neither does my invisible friend Hope you enjoy.**

**Harry and the day of oaths**

Harry Potter could say his life sucked, he could say he was fate's bitch and she licked to kick him...alot. Who is Harry Potter well he is a scrawny under weight child who has been dumped on from a great height a few to many times. It had all started with a demented fool who called himself Voldemort who murdered Harry's parents. The next fault lay with the one and only Albus Dumbledore. Some called him the leader of the light Harry called him Dumbledick. The reasons were many one Harry hated his so called home and even though he had complained and done everything he could to get out of there even going so far as trying to buy a wizard home Dumbledick had blocked him in every way possible. Harry had what could be called a bird nest of black hair that never seemed to grow …...well it had once when his aunt had decided to shave him bold and his hair grew overnight but not since then. His most famous thing was a lighting bolt scar in the middle of his forehead something he had only just found out by chance was covering his middle eye or his inner eye and the lightning bolt itself was supposed to have some runic meaning...blah to him it was a mark of tommy (Voldemort) boys arse kicking number one. Then came Dumbledicks next great screw up he actually hired the dark lord in hiding to be a defence teacher then covered it up it was amazing that students one day new Quirrell was Voldemort and yet not one parent did anything about it? rrrriiiiiiiiiiggghhhhhtttt parents love having disembodied dark lords as teachers... Cover up any one cough cough. Next we have a defence teacher who went around wiping peoples memory's and was grossly incompetent and lets not forget the little fact that Dumbledick new tommy boy was alive even if not in a body so as far as he knew unless he knew the truth and was setting Harry up again then Tommy boy had got back in the school and could have been hiding in the secret chamber getting his strength back. Third year a escaped (from an inescapable prison) convict got into the school on several occasions this is the same school that advertises itself as one of the most secure and safest places in Britain. (troll cough cough that can open doors move around without portraits or ghosts noticing and informing said Dumbledick) Oh and lets not forget the illegal animagus that lived in the school for nearly 11 years with no one noticing... then the latest screw up the Tri-Wizard tournament where ancient artefacts of great power can't even count up-to 3. Also it should be noted that if Dumbledick cast an age line and the only one who could get past was one Harry Potter then it would suggest several things one Harry was more intelligent than all the under age kids that tried to enter or two Harry was more powerful than Dumbledick. In either case pissing him off would be a very stupid thing to do yet the whole school had done so. Then there was escaped convict number two Barty crouch junior who was kept under the imperious ( a forbidden curse) by his ministry employed father. Said escaped convict then fooled Dumbledick into thinking he was (with the aid of a Polyjuice potion that changes peoples looks but adds none of the inteligence of said person or else if harry had wanted to know if Draco was the heir of Slytherin he would have just Polyjuiced into Draco and found out from his stolen knowledge) his life long best friend...right so Dumbledick should be arrested for false advertising and miss representing himself. Now with Harry back at school some toad women kept picking on him and he had, had enough. Years of keeping quiet where gone he was going to fight back.

Umbridge smiled as Harry bloody Potter asked for ink she smiled and told him it was unneeded. She would later consider this a very stupid thing, if only she had used a normal quill. She shivered as a Dementor went past her cell and looked back over that fateful day.

She had just told Potter he had not need ink when the boys eyes seemed to glow.

"Do you know who I am?

I am Harry Potter the boy who lived, the tri-wizard champion and the heir of Gryffindor head of the most ancient and noble house of Potter. I will not be using one of these Quills to do lines. There is nothing you can do to make me."

She stared at him as if had a stupid moment.

"Mr Potter you will do those lines with that Quill and stop making a pest of yourself , you have an over inflated ego of your own importance."

Harry smiled pulled his wand out and "Incendio incendio. The next ones hit you toad face now you will write!"

She tried to move out the way of the flame spells but her hand passed over a sheet of parchment he had ignited. She let out a whimper as she looked into his eyes and realised they looked like a pair of killing curses coming straight for her. She let out a pathetic whimper as he got closer his wand not moving from her face.

"Here use this quill and write... I must not use illegal torture methods on children to make them tell lies just so I can feel human and not like an inferior toad faced old bag."

She tried to say "no" she did but as soon as he got as far as "incen" she put quill to parchment and started she whimpered with each letter and as soon as she had done one line she stopped.

"Oh no! Remember it is (until it sinks in) so get writing and don't forget this is an hour long detention toad hop to it."

Umbridge had tried to write slow but he had just reducto'ed one of her pictures. The fact that the picture was only 3 inches to the left of her head sent a clear message and she speeded up. All the time she was planning Potters downfall.

Harry's point view.

She passed out just after the 40 min mark so Harry, feeling kind, lifted her hand and made stabbing motions on the parchment so that she had plenty of full stops with her lines. He left the nib on the parchment and left.

The next morning there was an almighty fuss as Umbridge was found and taken to the hospital wing. Harry smiled and made his way over to Susan Bones.

"Excuse me... I was wondering if I could ask a favour?"

Sue looked at him and nodded to a quiet corner. When they got there, Harry smiled, "Sue I am going to need a lawyer, your aunt and some good Aurors not in Fudges or Malfoy's pockets when Umbitch comes around."

Susan looked at him funny and just nodded... " I will send a note now"

Harry stopped her "nope use the flue I don't want anyone knowing. Oh and tell her to bring truth serum and cuffs and.. someone to take notes so that it can't be called illegal."

Sue looked at him and nodded. Inside she smiled "THE" Harry Potter wanted a favour from HER that meant she could get one in return. Images of a date hit her along with some naughtier ones involving whipped cream and butterscotch sauce.

Harry wondered off to his first lesson a smile on his lips.

It was part way through his second lesson of the day (potions) that he was ordered to the headmaster's office by his head of house, whom had the thinnest lined lips he had ever seen on her face. To say she looked displeased was like saying Umbitch looked 'toad like'. He never bothered to ask why he was wanted and just packed up his stuff and followed her to the headmaster's office.

…...

Umbridge view

She came around and could smell the distinct scent of a hospital her hand was in agony. "What how why..." Potter bloody Potter she would have him kissed for this. She tried to sit up but fell back down. A voice came from her side and behind her.

"Your awake, good I couldn't give you any pain potions until you were awake. I will go fetch them now."

After some disgusting tasting potions and a cup of tea she called for the headmaster and for Minister Fudge.

She sat there with a smile on her face. Potters goose was cooked.

She had only a few minutes to wait when Dumbledore and Fudge came in the room with several Aurors.

"Delores how did this happen? Do you know who is responsible?" were the first words from her dear Ministers mouth. She was not about to disappoint him she said one word and saw her beloved minister face light up like it was his birthday and Christmas all at once.

"Potter."

She watched as Dumbledore's face fell and smiled to herself.

Dumbledore sent a message spell to Professor McGonagall for her to fetch Harry Potter to his room for Questioning on the attack on Professor Umbridge.

Both the minister and Umbridge could see it cost him a lot to do that and as soon as she was dressed she and Minister Fudge with the Auror's in tow headed to the Headmasters office.

Dumbledore looked hard in thought and walked on ahead.

Once seated Madam Umbridge told them of the cowardly attack by Potter as he refused to do her detention. She also said she feared for her life as he cast dark spells at her. She made sure not to mention where Potter got the illegal quill from or anything else that might make her look bad.

The door opened and Potter and McGonagall entered. Then to her disgust he smiled and burst out laughing.

….

Harry's point view.

Harry saw Fudge, Umbitch and Dumbledick sitting facing him with several Aurors standing around and he smiled, then at the look on Umbitches face he burst out laughing as he thought what his dad would have to say to this little set up.

"So headmaster what can I do for you today?" he said in his normal voice (once he had calmed down).

Dumbledick just looked at him and shook his head, "Mr Potter very grave things have been said about you and I am most disappointed in you even more so if they are true." He made his patented puppy dog eyes at Harry with them set to twinkle number 2 instead of his normal twinkle number 5.

Harry smiled "great so that's all sorted now maybe you could answer me and tell me what I have done and not what you think."

Dumbledick shook his head and McGonagall spoke up "MR Potter you are in trouble I think the least you can do is show some respect for the headmaster."

Harry smiled like a cat who caught the cannery and licked his lips

"Professor he failed to answer me on top of that he has never done a single thing to earn my respect. Now if I am accused of something then I am allowed to have representation as I am a legal adult."

She looked at him confused "Mr Potter you are a minor not an adult."

Harry smiled "Nope, the Tri-wizard tournament was for adults only, when the ministry made me complete, they made me an adult and then when I had to defended myself against those Dementors, I was tried in a full hearing. They are also for adults only. So you see I am an adult and as such I will call my defence now."

He headed to the flue got some powder and made several calls.

All of them in the room tried to see whom he called but he blocked their view.

He stepped back and the flue changed colour as Amelia Bones and several Aurors came through. Fudges guards looked worried this was their boss. Fudge was caught of guard and so was Dumbledick. Then the flue flared again and out stepped…

"SIRIUS BLACK arrest that man call the Dementors." Fudge was screaming. The Aurors had their wands out and even Dumbledick looked shocked.

"Madam Bones, as you know some here are trying to say I am still a minor, so I have called my legal guardian to come here and make sure justice is done. Could you tell those morons to drop their wands as I would hate to see them in Azkaban for murder or something?"

Amelia was stunned, Harry had asked her no mater what she was to back him in the first thing that happens and not to worry as he would harm no one. She had thought He meant that He would harm no one, now it seemed he meant Black.

She took a chance as she saw Mr Potter standing protectively in front of the one man she would have sworn he would try to kill.

"STAND DOWN, that is an order." she shouted out. As her Auror's and the ones with Fudge lowered their wands she turned to Mr Potter and shook her head.

"Mr Potter you had better have a bloody good explanation as to what's going on here or you will be kissed with Black."

And the scamp smiled at her. He actually smiled at her.

With all the wands down Harry stepped out the way of his Godfather and passed him his wand.

"Okay guess first things first."

He looked at Sirius and smiled.

Sirius just wished he felt as brave as Harry looked but he wanted it all to stop and Harry swore he would make it happen in true Marauders style. He had nearly filled his pants when he had stepped out the flue and seen all those Auror's and Bones standing there.

"Okay you old dog repeat after me.'

"_I Sirius Orion Black hear-by swear upon my magic and my life."_

Harry waited as Sirius repeated it and saw Dumbledick pale.

"_That I was not the Potters secret keeper, I did not kill Peter Pettigrew, I mean no harm to any honest person in this room unless they attack me or Harry first."_

As Sirius said this, he smiled, he could now see where this was going and he noticed Dumbledore's look of distress.

Harry continued,

" _That Peter Pettigrew is still alive as far as I know and the last time I saw him was last year when we had him cornered in the shrieking shack. HE has spent all this time either at the Weasley family home or Hogwarts and that Albus Dumbledore knows I am innocent and he knew that Peter Pettigrew is alive." _

At this every eye turned to Dumbledore and he looked like he wanted to curse someone badly. This ordeal was not over yet for him.

Harry continued,

" _I am not an escaped convict and have been hiding because I am an escaped kidnap victim and do not want a corrupt ministry to murder me."_

At this Sirius looked a bit worried but he took a deep breath and repeated it.

" _I only want my godson and me to be safe and left alone. So mote it be."_

As he said the last bit there was a bright white light and he was still standing. This meant his oath was real this was stronger proof than Veritaserum.

Fudge looked like he had a damp patch in front of his trouser and Harry, well he just smiled and winked at his Godfather.

"Now Amelia." Harry started "What is the legal definition of an escaped convict?"

Amelia who was in a state of shock collected her thoughts..."An escaped convict is a person who has been sentenced to a term in prison and has escaped before his sentence was finished."

Harry smiled "Okay good answer now what is a kidnap victim?"

Dumbledore went white all his plans were coming crashing down, you could see it in his face.

"Well" Madam Bones started "a kidnap victim is a person who has been illegally imprisoned maybe in a room or something and has no way out bar escaping or rescue. They are often held for ransom and any one who takes a person and illegally detains them by not allowing them to leave when they wish is a kidnapper."

Harry smiled and so did his Godfather.

"So the fact that my Godfather never had a trial, was never convicted of any crime and was never questioned with the truth serum but was grabbed off the street and thrown into Azkaban, was never allowed visitors and was tortured everyday would make him what?"

Amelia paled "It would make him an escaped kidnap victim... and the ministry officials involved kidnappers…"

Harry smiled "Don't you think it amazing that the first time Fudge visited him that Fudge left behind a newspaper with Peter Pettigrew on the front page?"

Amelia noticed Fudge going white. Harry looked at his godfather "well Old man repeat after me."

"_I Sirius Orion Black swear I came to Hogwarts to protect my Godson from Peter Pettigrew who I saw on the front page of the newspaper the minister by coincident left behind."_

Sirius smiled and made the oath but added that he was shocked that Dumbledore allowed him to rot in prison while Peter ran around a school full of kids.

Dumbledore was shaking with rage.

…..

Fudges view

HE sat there as Black made his oaths and knew his time as minister was up. He looked at the shocked face of Dolores and tried to smile but he knew they where in deep trouble.

….

Harry's view

"Madam bones could I ask a question please."

Harry said with his grin now becoming Cheshire cat like. She nodded

"Who controls the Dementors?"

She had no hesitation in replying they where under ministry control.

Harry held out his hand and his Godfather passed him his wand back.

"_I Harry James Potter swear on my magic and my life that Dementors have tried to kiss me on several occasions the first being on the train coming to Hogwarts the second in the middle of a Quidditch match and also when I was with my cousin walking down the street to go to number 4 Privet drive. A place the Headmaster makes me go back to every year saying it safe for me there yet the Dementors still nearly got me."_

A flash of light and a quick Wingardium leviosa and it showed that he still had his magic and was proof that the Dementors did attacked him and he had every right to defend himself. He was not finished though.

"_I also Swear that the half blood that calls himself lord Voldemort is alive and that the headmaster knows he is alive, because he hired him to teach defence in my first year. Even if he went by the name Quirrell. So mote it be."_

The flash of light and Harry still standing was the final nail in Dumbledore's career and maybe even his freedom. Harry was smiling "So what am I now accused of?"

He smiled and Fudge hoped and prayed that Dolores was not lying.

"You used an illegal item and tried to kill me." Dolores barked well croaked out.

Harry smiled

"_I hereby swear the Quill Dolores used was the one she wanted me to write I must not tell lies with and as she said it was until the message sank in. I also swear I asked her if she knew who I was as I was head of house Potter-Gryffindor and she just said it didn't matter and so I defended myself and made the punishment fit the crime as is pure-blood law. So mote it be"_

The minister started to shake forget sacked he had told everyone she had his full backing and now it looked like he would be kissed along with her.

The light and Harry still standing and making sparks fly from his wand ruined Umbitches life. "Now madam Bones I believe I have the right to demand that she is questioned under the truth serum as the head of a family that has been attacked?"

Bones wanted to jump for joy she wanted to kiss Harry but she settled for nodding and getting Dolores to stick her tongue out. £ drops of Veritaserum were given to her and with each question Dolores dug her way into Azkaban with it, she told them that she brought the Quill and how she knew it was illegal and how she was only going to use it on half bloods and mud-bloods, Fudge wanted to curl up and cry. McGonagall felt sick and wanted to kill her while Harry and Sirius enjoyed a cup of tea that Dobby had brought them. She told after prompting that she had taught no one how to cast a spell and every child that had taken dada had been made to read books. When Harry pointed out that he had nearly been killed by and escaped convict (crouch junior) and the ministry had failed to keep him in jail when Umbridge had asked why they needed to learn to defend themselves Harry's argument was not only right but justified as he had nearly been killed in this very school more times than any one else.

"So madam Bones as I have not broken... Actually Madam Bones she is high in the ministry why not ask her about the Dementors it can't hurt can it?"

Fudge was about to protest but the shocks and his limited brain ability made him to slow on the uptake. The "me and Minister Fudge sent them as he is a trouble maker and Mr Malfoy wanted him out the way." Sealed his, Dolores and Malfoy's fate for an extended trip to jail.

Madam Bones was trying to figure out a way to kiss Harry and not get in trouble for it.

Meanwhile Dumbledick looked ready to kill. He had been dropped in it, he knew that people would question why he hired Tom or at least question why he never knew Quirrell was carrying Tom around on the back of his head after all the school wards (that he was always bragging about) would and had in fact told him. Then he saw Harry smile at him and was about to go for his wand when he saw Madam Bones and all the Aurors looking at him. He looked like he wanted to kill or cry or maybe both. Harry had no sympathy for him.

"Madam Bones would you say I am famous?"

She looked at him and smiled "Just a bit why?"

"Well" And he held up his wand

" _I Harry James Potter swear that until I got my first Hogwarts letter I had never received any mail once my parents were dead. I also have never received a bank statement and until Hagrid showed up I had never had a birthday card or present or a Christmas card or presents, I never knew of the magical world as I was locked in a small broom closet for most of my life. I was not even given a bedroom until my first Hogwarts letter. It was addressed to the cupboard under the stairs. I also have never had or seen a doctor for my eyes and I have not been treated for malnutrition like I would have thought I should have been as my muggle guardians starved and beat me daily." _

Harry took a deep breath,

" _I also swear that whoever took over as my magical guardian never protected me never contacted me and had nothing to do with me. If I find out who it is and if they have lost me any money and not kept my house in Godric hollow in good condition for when I move in after school I will sue them for every thing they have. After all as my Guardian he or she should make sure I have a place to live and all my parents stuff that is irreplaceable is left untouched and undamaged. Also I have found out a lot of people left me money and property when they died so my magical guardian should have made sure all that was looked after if they failed then I want it back at their expense. So mote it be"_

Dumbledick passed out he could never pay back what he had stolen and he had placed several illegal charms on Harry, his mind packed up and his world went black. It was a shame really as no one took noticed. As soon as Harry had finished his oath and did some more sparks Amelia was in a rage calling for Aurors to go arrest the people of number 4 Privet drive, to get to the goblins and see who and what had been done to Harry inheritance and to let them know that Harry wanted a full accounting. Harry decided to stick his Knut's worth in "Oh and let them know the person who tried to break into their vault when I was in my first year was Quirrell and that I killed him as he was possessed by Tom Marvollo Riddle also know as the heir of Slytherin and lord Voldemort. He was also hired by Dumbledore."

If Dumbledore was awake he could have asked for it to be rephrased shame really as now it sounded like Dumbledick had hired Quirrell to rob Gringotts. Oh well to bad (sigh)

Sirius was smiling and watching the fun, he was also not happy at the ease with which Harry had proved his innocence and considering his lack of power compared to Dumbledore this was not good. It didn't help with Harry also swearing that he had been abused...no Dumbledore had a lot of explaining to do.

…

Amelia's view.

Amelia smiled as Harry offered her a drink of tea and a biscuit. She couldn't believe the crap Dumbledore and fudge and Umbridge had been getting away with and she really really wanted to snog the hell out of Harry for making her day, no make that her decade. She was so glad she hadn't gone after Black like every instinct had told her to. If it weren't for Susan vouching for Harry and making that flue call she knew Black would have been kissed along with Harry. She stopped and began to think when had he became Harry instead of Mr Potter. Oh well back to watching and waiting as Fudge and Umbridge looked ready to… nope she was wrong they did up chuck, oh this just kept getting better. She froze as she felt a hand on her thigh and looked around.

" Madam Bones you looked a little lost don't worry." These simple words from Harry and his hand on her leg made up her mind she was going to snog him into next year, sod the age difference sod everything, he deserved it. And maybe with the debt he owed Susan she could make her and her niece's dreams come true. She smiled at him and placed her hand on his thigh it might have been a bit high but who cared certainly not Harry going by the reaction she noticed in his trousers and the way he went red. She smiled a bit more "No Mr Potter it seems you have an answer for most my problems (she winked at him), so I see no reason to worry I was just thinking." She never noticed her hand sliding up and down his thigh. "That you seem to have had a very different life than what was written about."

Harry seemed to have difficulty in answering her and she still hadn't noticed her hand. "Well Madam Bones I was wondering, isn't it deformation of character that Fudge and Umbitch... erm… Umbridge have been doing to me in the news or libel or slander. As I mean I do want my moneys worth out of this and the public has the right to know the truth. After all you never know when I might need a bit of cash to take someone out or to buy clothes that fit or even to do up my parents house." She felt him squeeze her leg and then noticed her hand. She felt her face go red like a teenager and went to remove her hand but Harry put his on top of hers and leant forward "I owe you for that set up trial and the way you stood up for me, so… maybe it fair I stand up for you." With that he winked at her and only then removed his hand from hers.

She really didn't need to be an Auror to understand that clue.

Sirius's view.

Sirius was smirking as he watched Amelia Bones feel up his Godson. Christ on a crutch he had the head Auror groping him, had made the headmaster the almighty Dumbledore pass out the minister of magic piss himself and the under-secretary of magic faint and get several years in his old cell or one near it he hoped.

To top it all off it wasn't even dinnertime. He smiled as he saw McGonagall go through several emotions with each revelation and took pity on her. He walked over and gave her a cup of tea and smiled.

"Seems a shame that the headmaster and you both taught transfiguration and yet couldn't spot Peter in his animagus form, I mean he was in your dorms all that time and unless it has changed he was properly in your class a few times as a test subject and as we all know transfiguration does not work on animagus as easily as it does on a real animal due to the persons magic fighting the transfiguration magic. He passed her a biscuit and went back to his seat. McGonagall flushed, tried to drink her tea.

Sirius thought to himself "Okay I do feel a bit bad for her but that bitch never helped Harry with Quirrell or with Umbitch. She even left Harry on Dursley's doorstep and never waited until the door was answered to make sure he was picked up and took inside . For crying out loud it was winter.

He spoke up "Amelia I am glad it wasn't Dumbledore who was Harry's Guardian, I mean by law he abandoned him on his first night in the muggle world on a doorstep. After all Professor McGonagall and Harry's aunt, from what Harry has told me, said he was found on the front door step at dinner time when the Dursley's finally woke up. I mean who in their right mind would dump a child in the middle of winter, one who can walk and crawl and then just go with out making sure he was taken care of. I mean as a responsible Guardian they should knock on the door and make sure the people are in and can take care of the child, also what would have happened if it came down foggy or rained, the child could have die from the cold."

He watched as McGonagall went even paler. "I mean what sort of person would do that to a child, I certainly wouldn't want them near any children after that. After all this person who picked Harry up, for Dumbledore I presume because that is who Hagrid said he was taking the child to, then abandoned him again. If he had knocked and checked on the child then he wouldn't have abandoned him. With Polyjuice and all the other ways to disguise yourself he could have visited him at any time if he was worried about retribution from the death eaters... oh sorry I seem to be digging a hole for Albus here." He watched as McGonagall fainted and smiled. Oh yea he still had it.

….

Harry's view 

He smiled and thought "ha that will teach you to make nice to me only to stab me in back time and time again." He knew McGonagall had dropped him off he knew she had never checked on him and he knew that she had never helped him when he had asked for it. He smiled and went back to Amelia "Madam Bones do you think you can make sure that there are no bad spells on me I mean Dumbledore was the one who hired Voldemort, had Pettigrew running around the school also Severus Snape, Barty crouch junior, Oh and he had some weird memory from a diary sucking Ginny Weasley's soul out that Voldemort made running around as well." He smiled and got a naughty idea "Maybe at some time you could check my wand as well" then he winked at her.

He watched as she went red and smiled she asked him to stand up. She had one of the remaining Auror's prepared to cast the detection spells when Albus to many names Dumbledick came round. When he saw what they where about to do he tried to stop it. This not only made Amelia angry, as interrupting a cast was illegal and dangerous but it also made her think whose signature would be on any spell she found. She told the auror to continued as Black hit Dumbledore in the face with a handy book, knocking him back out Hermoine would have been shocked at sirius use of Hogwarts a history. She and her assistant carried on and as the last words where said McGonagall came around to a lot of cursing.

"His bloody core is blocked, he has 4 bloody tracking wards on him he has an evil presence in his scar and it looks like his scar was never properly treated, he also have got two illegal post wards on him, so that he was not receiving any post… and what the hell is this, he has traces of untreated crucio and imperio residue." To say Madam Bones and her assistant were unhappy was like saying politicians are not corrupt. (A massive understatement) McGonagall passed out again this time, her last thoughts were, she would kill bloody to many names Dumbledore.

Amelia turned to Harry and told him he would have to go with them as they needed to record all this before removing the spells and then would need help in removing the spells. Harry smiled and agreed. He then decided it was time for more of the obvious. He stood up and made another oath in which he named every person he saw at old Tommy's rebirth party. Amelia looked like the cat that got the cream and the canary. She had Malfoy, Fudge and Dumbledore by the short and curly's.

Thanks to beta Dragoonz Oogies4U for their work on this. Dont know when i get to update this one as working on Harry Beetlejuice one alot. Thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own Harry Potter I do own this idea. I also thank my beta DragZ- for their help on this chapter. I had one flame to first bit I posted but as I had run out of bog roll I printed it up and put it to good use. Ummmm this is fan fic not cannon so could anyone tell me why they would act as they do in the canon? Oh and the canon people not very life like if you ask me. Harry never got counselling after killing Quirrell. No one ever thought to tell him to get a second trunk shrink it after filling with food before holidays, oh and how many birthday parties are mentioned in total, you saying in a school full of kids they only had what 3 parties for birthdays and how come none of the Muggleborn's use street slang? So Mr/Mrs flamer get a reality check before flaming me, unless I eating to much fruit and need more bog roll. Any way onto story.

___**Day of oaths part 2**_

As Amelia led Harry away to his dorm, so he should collect his stuff, no one noticed as he cupped one of her bum cheeks and gave it a squeeze. Well no one except Amelia herself. The other Aurors under Amelia's authority went about cuffing Fudge, Umbridge and telling Dumbledore to expect a summons at some point for his part in this. They warned Sirius that he should go back to where he was hiding until they had released the truth about what had happened to him, as people would still be after him. Sirius laughed and told them that Dumbledore was the secret keeper so no one could find him. Albus swore under his breath as the Auror nodded and gave Dumbledore a look that suggested this was going to be looked into as well then left them. Sirius followed behind the prisoners and the last Auror.

_Dinner time the main hall._

The students noticed a certain lack, at the head table namely McGonagall, Umbridge, and Albus Dumbledore. There curiosity was about to be answered as with a flash of flame Fawkes the headmaster's phoenix appeared and in his/her talons was the sorting hat.

The Hat opened its mouth and started to sing.

Listen up and gather round,  
For your ears and hearts will be filled with joy unbound,  
Laughter and song will fill your hearts

as you hear of how Umbridge, had to depart.  
It's a story of woe and sorrow because poor Fudge had to soon also follow.

"That's all I got" said the hat after a brief pause. "Look it just happened this morning you can't expect a master piece that fast can you?"

"So listen up and pay heed and I shall tell you about Harry Potter and friends.."

arrr sod it no more talking in rhyme and no more songs, okay who wants the latest gossip?"

The hall filled with "**me** and **we do**" and other variants of that theme

"Okay said the hat let me begin, now have all you cute kiddies got your lemon drops and a drink?" and so the hat began his tale.

It was a shame that fate seemed to have swapped her bitches from Harry to Albus, this very day because just as the last person who could have protected him left, Minerva came around. As she looked around still somewhat looking lost she spotted no one else but Albus to many names Dumbledore, She decided to let him have it.

Now … many think she is a Cat animagus because of her… Patience and her ability to notice stuff, or how she liked to play with students letting them wonder if they got away with stuff before she smiled and issued detentions or whatever she decided was the punishment, or her curiosity…

The hat made out it was coughing and in need of a drink, when none was forth coming he carried on.

Sadly, for Albus, it was a none of the above-mentioned type questions. The truth was… She liked a good catfight… or human fight. The same as any well-bred Highlander. She also liked to shred faces with her nails (as the last women to try and get between her and a man could tell or the last man who tried to get her Drambuie) and when she was younger did get into many a catfights over boys, girls, rabbits and a pair or fluffy handcuffs... (Don't ask!), hello Kitty panties and a Tub of Honey. (Again don't ask and Why do you think she and Snape both have Albus's ear and get on each others last nerves. COZ I said don't ask.) 

Fred or it could have been George called out "Okay we… Won't ask…

About that... But could you… Sort of I… Don't know… Maybe throw us… A hint or two?" Heads bouncing between Fred and Gorge as they asked the Hat in there unique way.

"HaHa true but never let it be said that I could not drop a hint." Nanana.

"Think of things needed for a Patronus charm and also think of what Albus and Snape and Albus and Minerva, need to do to make one... arrrr happppy memories and luuuuuve" This for the younger years did not help, but sadly for the older years and the ones Harry had told what was needed, not only a happy thought but that you had to love the person or people you were trying to protect from Dementors, along with the cuffs and tub of honey comment meant a few of the older ones turned their hats upside down and used them as buckets. Funny thing was so did a few of the teachers.

The hat waited until everyone had settled back down. Then carried on.

"Anyway from that image to the here and now back to the office. As that was in the past."

She shot up and looked around. Did a partial Transformation (kitty got longer, sharper nails) and flew at Albus. She was less than happy with the comments Black had made, but I forgot I have yet to tell you of them. The hat told them about the magical oaths that black and Harry had made (see part one) This left many shocked and more than a Little worried if Dumbledore did that to the boy that lived then what would he do to them?

Now just so I don't destroy your mind I will not say how Dumbels missed miss kitty waking up or her grabbing his wooden wand, and used those long nails to nail his other wand, nor will I tell you how she ripped and twisted that wand. (_Shudders_). Something that should not be done by any woman is also the nipple twisters that she did with a transfigured set of pliers, nor would I place the image in your mind of her clawed nails shredding more than just cloth. For you see I the sorting HAT am to kind to mention of what happened after Minerva McGonagall woke up alone in the headmasters office after the last Auror left. It's just not my place to tell you. With that the hat burst out in an evil cackle and watched as many children, mainly male ran out of the great hall, presumable to the hospital for calming potions, just as Fawkes returned to take him back he shouted out. "Blood sausage for tea for everyone?" then he was gone.

And so was most the lunch the few remaining ones had left in them.

And if a Hat had the ability to smirk this one would have as it sat back on its shelf.

That will make me a happy Hat for a few months why just the looks on the kiddies faces as they tried to process what I told them was priceless. The teachers in the room were all gob-smacked and that was always good. "Minerva... are you serious," had been heard from the teachers and from the kids came cries of .. "Professor McGonagall…" okay I can see her being upset but to go that far. She must have really been upset. It sounded like a hornets nest in the great hall as everyone still left and not leaning into conjured bowls talked about what the sorting Hat said before it had left.

The sorting Hat wondered how long it would take before the owls started to fly of spreading the news of what he said far and wide... or just to there homes and families. The news in the paper tomorrow… or even tonight will be interesting to say the least he thought.

**In another room in Hogwarts **

Harry smiled as he held Amelia's bum all the way down the stairs, he stopped smiling as they got to the bottom (the stairs not hers). Gave it a few more rubs for luck, and maybe see if it would grant a wish, said wish was that it was not so covered in cloth and then they made their way out into the big wide halls of Hogwarts.

Harry led the way but stop when they went past a broom closet on the way to the dorms.

Harry was in bum withdrawal syndrome when they stopped his eyes drifting back to Amelia's tight derrière.

Amelia was shocked at first, the very long 10 minute walk down the headmasters stairs and the strange sounds of screaming coming from the room they had just left, followed by the boy who lived hand never leaving her rump. The fact she stopped several times so he could use both hands was not an issue.

She was mildly shocked at her own actions as they walked past a broom closet and she dragged the boy who lived into it.

The snog fest that followed was hot. She found that Harry had roving hands and she wasn't far behind with her own hands. He did apologise for being a rubbish kisser as she was his first, hearing this it did interesting things to her knowing that she is the first to teach him how to kiss.

Her niece and what Harry owed her flew from her mind as Harry's hands found her chest, and her hardened nipples. How much farther it might have gone is anyone's guess but they heard a certain poltergeist humming and moving towards them, they decided that discretion was the better part of valour, they could always find a more private place to continue his instruction. Both of them smiling to each other as they moved towards the Dorms to get Harry's stuff.

(It was some time later that on closet inspection that Filch found something interesting, he would wonder who had left behind the "I am Harry Potter's number one fan" knickers.)

The end for now, hope you like. Special thanks to DragZ as she did some of this work herself and where I asked for help she did some of the content, like the Twin speak bit as I was unsure how to put that across. Also as I write on paper before hand to keyboard she kindly wrote from scanned paper pages, saving me a lot of time.


	3. Chapter 3

I and my invisible friend do not own harry potter just this idea. We do the people we invent. And special mention to Dragon as she even suggested some of Dumbles punishments. Day of oaths 3

Dumbledore could not believe how fate was trashing him. First Harry and Sirius were no longer under his control then to crown it he was almost made a female by one of his lovers, but the worst for him was that Minerva is the bottom in the relationship and almost a total submissive. What scared him was that she was angry enough to attempt it. Then when he came around after that alone in his office he had to hear the Hat and Fawkes snickering at him.

All the portraits were empty, this did not make him feel at ease, no he did not feel too good as all of them belonged to powerful families all over the wizarding world. He got this bad feeling that his woes would be all over before he could try and stop it. This realization came too late as a score of Goblins invaded his office not looking very happy at all, and for them that is no mean feat, as they normally look not happy. "Albus Dumbledore you have some explaining to do…" they looked at him then double checked their eyes by rubbing them as it looked like he was pissing himself, but the puddle on the floor gave of a distinct iron smell, plus it was bright red "err. Why do you look like your pissing blood?" Albus looked down at himself and passed out at the sight. After a bit when he came to he almost passed out again, but noted it seemed someone had healed him as he no longer felt weak from blood loss and, he passed out again his exploring hands told him why he was no longer bleeding it seemed the Goblins had a cauterize way not a healing way, he was missing something that he really, really wanted back, now he would need to squat to take a leak he saw the goblins busy packing up all his belongings. All his beloved books he had stole… erm borrowed and his silver trinkets. Looking closer at the one wall he saw they even got into this private library and potions laboratory. The voice he dreaded boomed over to him. "Well all your accounts are empty and all the Potter items and books you had have been returned to his family vaults BAR the money you used. Mind you, the only way this could be worse for you is if the Basilisk you sold us and to the potions guild would be if it also belonged to Mr. Potter."

Dumbledore fainted at this.

The goblins started to laugh at him, it was a good thing he was out for laughing goblins wasn't a nice sight to see. (Think of a tank full of piranhas smelling blood, or maybe a ambulance chaser thinking commission, or even a Politian thinking how to get more bribes…erm help the public more) well they were sort off, After all even the densest person would know that a 1000 year old basilisk were rare, add to that the fact that he knew Harry's abusers and he could see where this was going, or that was what he thought.

Now it would explain his current circumstance, namely DOBBY the ex Malfoy house elf showing him how to wear a pillowcase, now that he figured he could pull off but to be shown how to wandlessly (as house elf's are not allowed wands) having to learn how to clean and do laundry and cleaning the bathrooms, the toilets was the worst… Why oh why did it have to be Dobby, he was taught to clean those with his tongue and the side off his head Dobby had smiled and said "as he had not got the right ears for hanging a cleaning rag on he would need to use a some of his pillow case wrapped around his head to make sure it was polished". He had asked why he could not just use his hands and a bog brush and Dobby laughed at that. "But Dumbles if you don't you might not get any food if they forget to feed you. It why elves eat just about anything. Some wizards made it Illegal for Elves to do anything that made them look equal in the eyes of wizards. It had to taste nice before it was clean. His mind wandered back to the day all this started.

"SO Mr. Potter sold us some of HIS Basilisk and wanted Armor and weapons for Him and His godfather, first and then to see who is his real friends and family, whom is on his side and whom is working for you pretending to be is friend. After that we still have a discussion on abuse of power, stealing from a minor and of course my favorite, _**corrupting**_ a Goblins honor." Albus crapped himself and fainted again. This time he was brought around by a Kick to his side. The same goblin carried on as if he hadn't had to kick Dumblebutt several times to get his attention away from his probable broken ribs and back onto the important stuff like making money and shafting big headed wizards who stick their noses into goblin business. From then on it had gone down hill. Until he realised he and even one of his own ancestors had made these very rules but they were intended for Muggleborn and half-bloods not people of importance like _**him**_.

_**THWACK**_ This brought him back to the present.

Dobby was standing there looking at him with an evil glint to his eyes. "Dumbels no sleep, much work to bees done. Dumbels to many clothes, yous not a wissie no more yous to wear pillow case like good house elfs." This comment got him to open his eyes with a shock before him stood Dobby the house elf. Dobby getting impatient with this man-elf. "Move arse, much to be done much to be done." Dumbledore looked totally bewildered and started to ask what was going on, "Dobby wha…" Dobby just handed him a letter from the Goblins grumbling about how slow this new slave is.

Dumbledore

It was **Mr. Potter's** Basilisk! You're in debt to Mr. Potter to the sum of 50 million Galleons. As the Law states, for your crimes and your inability to pay him back at this time you are Mr. Potters Slave till such a time that you have paid him back. The sad Fact that due to wizarding law stating that slaves my not earn any money it will be a LONG LONG time before you would have worked of your debt owing to Mr. Potter. We have also delivered your wand to Mr. Potter, as slaves are not allowed one. Please do ENJOY your live as a slave Bastard for if he decides to free you, your ass will belong to US. You will be OURS to do with whatever for the dishonor you have brought us.

Regards

The Goblin nation.

Dumbledore paled it was a loose, loose situation and he could not think of one thing a slave could do to get out of it. If Potter now had the cloak and the wand then it was just the stone, the fact that Potter and Sirius now had his diaries made him shiver. They would find out what he had done for the "greater good" and they may not be as understanding as the Goblins. He couldn't even use his knowledge of the prophecy as they even had that n..."owwwwwww" his thoughts were cut of by Dobby hitting him on his posterior with what could be called maniacal glee and a nine tail horse whip. The problem was he was using what Dumbldore soon recognised as his own rolled up and weaved beard to, to , " he reached up and felt his bold chin "NOOOOOOOOOO" he felt his head also bold " Dumbles has lice I think so I shave him not want masters clothes or house get lice. Then he started to whip Albus with his own hand made one of a kind bearded whip. Dumbles did not know whether to cry or feint in the end Dobby solved it for him and just popped them both away and pushed the crying wizards head down a toilet then flushed it.

_Upstairs_

Amelia couldn't believe it her best panties and she had lost them. She hadn't even thought about it until she felt Harry's breath on her down there. Now she smiled this was going to be so much fun. They had tested 4 broom closets on the way to the tower. Not all the way but enough for them both to be more than a little steamed. Then as they had gone up to Harry's room she had been more than a tad naughty and kept one of her hands down the front of his trousers. She did promise herself one thing she would never go Pureblood again it seemed that their IQ was not the only thing that was stunted. Either that or Mr Potter was a very unusual boy. She gave him another squeeze okay man defiantly man, mind you maybe centaur be better after all men said more than a handful was a waste when it came to a women's breast well she had a handful and even then she couldn't get her fingers to meet. She decided more than maybe 5 handfuls was a waste as no way was she going to use a shrinking charm on him. Mind you she did think she and Susan could easily share and maybe Hanna as well there was more than enough room for 3 mouths at once. She sighed and lay back against his pillows as he showed her why Parseltongue was a miss understood skill. Reciting the Hogwarts school song in Parseltongue on her clit (all 6 verses) proved too much for her and she hoped her last coherent thought was she hoped he would wait until she came around. For Harry having a sexy older women spray his face with her love juices was a big turn on, for her to pass out was a bit disappointing (not that he noticed right away he was only half way through verse 6). When he did notice he stopped got up fluffed another pillow a bit and lay down beside her as her breathing became more regular. He was lucky Sirius had told him the Pureblood myth that women could have multiple orgasms and that a man could make a women pass out from them. It seemed it was no myth. He got out his hand book of sex written by one Sirius black and checked it's list.

snog in broom closet. Got a tick

fondle arse. Got a tick

stick tongue down throat. Got another

make out with an older women. Also got ticked

give women her orgasm before you come. Got a question mark because he was unsure if he should include the ones he gave her in the broom closets.

Impress the women with a foreign language. Also got a question mark as he had no idea if Parseltongue counted.

Try to make out in the most dangerous place you can. Well he had tried the hallway outside the headmasters office and his own common room and his dorm so he decided to tick that.

After that he couldn't yet tick anything as it was mainly positions and in some cases required multiple people. Mind you He was not complaining far from it. And from the way Amelia was stirring he could soon get onto some of them other boxes to tick. He just hoped the "Oh God look at that monster" was not a bad thing he had heard Ron and some of the other Purebloods say he was deformed and he was certainly a lot bigger than them. Why oh why couldn't he be normal? It was a question he never seem to get an answer to.

_Thanks to my Beta Dragoonz and also to my invisible friend who said he was annoyed with me for taking so long on picking up the keyboard. (Would done it sooner but thought I end up hitting the sod). _


	4. Chapter 4

**Day of oaths and omake**

Omake done with help from Neither of us own Harry potter or any oh J,K,Rowling characters. We do own the rest.

It was the weekly House elves sports day. Not many knew it but House elves were very competitive in fact it was a wizard who suggested this outlet as he was annoyed with all the one up elfmanship they kept at. Mind you Salazar also did make some serious cash on side bets against Godric, so that might have been a motivator. Dobby smiled and with a sonorous called out Welcome to today's weekly sports event. Today we have a special guest none other than the new elf Dumble the Grumble. At this several elves that Dumble had been less than kind to got a very goblin like grin on their faces. Albus blanched and wondered why he had never noticed the amount of teeth House elves had. Dobby smiled we also have special announcers all the way from Grimmauld place Walburga Black and Kreacher. Dumbledore blinked what the hell? "So with out further ado I give you this weeks sports clean ups."

Dobby handed over the commentary to Walburga Black and Kreacher.

"Kreacher thanks Dobby for this chance and says this bad wizard is a bad elf and needs more punishment" Walburga spoke up "I have to agree he is not a good example, Give him a couple of hits with your whip Dobby he does not look like he is ready for sports night." Dobby was only too happy to do so. Albus started to cry this was to surreal Elves whipping him and paintings telling him he was bad. "Now for our first event is a grudge match between the kitchen elves and the shiners elves" Kreacher started. " So without further ado I give you Flopsy mopsey and in goal Winky. Against the shiners against the shiners formally known as the polishers, until the name was ruined when they over heard Snape Polishing was polishing Dumbles wand and what it really meant.

Rubby bubbly and in goal Bob. As the teams line up and get in position the bashed about thingy is covered head to foot in floor polish. Oooh looks like Dobby the official polisher, who according to rumour spends hours polishing Potters wand just poked the bashed about thing in the eye. We can now see why it is called grumble Dumble. Someone hit it over the head it's only a bit of floor polish. "a few screams later "well done Dobby that shut him up bloody imprison a noble Black would you. Walburga spoke up "Now Kreacher don't show any favouritism you know he also screwed over another Ancient and Noble House the Potters so give him a few hits for the Potters as well Dobby. It was several minutes later that a battered and bruised Albus Dumbledore was pushed to the floor in the centre of the great hall. A whistle went and WHAM Smack "ARRRRRR" was heard as Flopsy used her broom to great effect and smashing Dumbles in the arse sending straight towards the other teams goal sadly Rubby stopped him with a well placed smack with a ladle to the head. Dumbles the Grumbles cried he hadn't been in so much pain since his first lover Gellert introduced him to man love and forgot the lard.

Kreacher started to run his commentary. " And Rubby smashes him into Bubble Bubbly pushed him, along to the other end Bubbly seems to be favouring his larger meat skewer tonight and yes Mopsey tackles him with a side swipe of her frying pan look at that she has dribbled him over half her area before Rubby takes control this is where a brooms extra length comes in handy he shoots and Bob saves oh look at that bob is using his magic to dribble Dumbles up and down onto the floor before he hits him as hard as he can towards Mopsey and oooh that must have hurt it seems he forgot to take the coals out the bed warmer and has set fire to Grumbles tea towel well no harm done and Rubby takes control and heads towards Bob, Bob is looking very happy. Kreacher stopped to take a drink when Walburga carried on " Bob seems to be ready and yes he has brought it with him the dreaded tongs of doom Bob is the only one brave enough to use these vial weapons of insanity.

For our newest member and about to be picked up and bounced by them I would like to say these are the very tongs used to pick up Snape's grundys after he takes them off. The elves are in two minds about Snape on one side he makes less washing than anyone else on the other with his gas and diarrhoea problem he should remove them more than once a week. And that has got to hurt"

Kreacher leaned over and whispered something to Walburga, then she spoke up "Don't worry men he has nothing that can be damaged or lost it is something he will miss as it appears the loss of his family jewels would have been petty theft at the most he was always a ball less old bastard and now it has been verified he has no balls so I would suggest if you wish to cause him pain eeerrr I mean pass him with better sound effects then please mouth nose and base of feet shots only." Kreacher broke in "for those who wish to learn more on how to make a ball scream louder please see Argus Filch and his lessons on proper treatment of meddling old goat fuckers." Walburga spoke up "Yes and Grumbles has been volunteered to be the practice dummy.

Now let's get back to the action and look at that somehow Grumbles has been hit up the wall and seems to be stuck on the horns off a 14 pointer stag. Both teams are beating his feet to try and get him off and look at that he is off but it seems it is not now it is only a 12 pointer now. He will need to be punished for breaking that. Rubby is moving as fast as he can and from the trail of blood I would say Grumbles has run out of floor polish but neither team has asked for the ball to be re-shined and he shoots and he score and as always the goalie takes it out on the ball. Oooooh that is bad I don't think bedpans are supposed to be used to warm more than feet certainly not for someone to try and shove the basin end into a man's rear. " The elves congratulated each other and smiled. "Walburga smiled that would teach the bastard to send her son to Azkaban making him sterile and ending the Black family name. If Grumbles had dealt with Riddle when he had the chance or not made a pass at him I often thought Albus might have had a thing for Tom Riddle given his love of Dark wizards

"Next we have the clothes drying competition and as we see Grumbles is wrapped up with all the grundys from Gryffindor now we hose him down and use the big soap bar and yes most of the grundys now seem clean except Ron Weasley's so it looks like Grumbles will need to be soaped some more, How that boy can produce skid marks that have the world broomstick donutting champions crying I do not know. Rumour has it that Molly Weasley is planning on selling them to the muggles as a longer lasting replacement to tarmac as she has heard of something called potholes. She is even willing to Guarantee nothing will shift them. Now for the drying, Dobby for Gryffindor starts to wrap the close line around the spinning top making sure Grumbles knees are not tied as we have found out it makes people fall he is going for the full 25 foot cable and with the rest of team Gryffindor he gives it a mighty pull and Grumbles starts spinning oooh round and round he goes that was close he nearly hit the wall and looks like he is slowing down ooh that will cost team Gryffindor as grumbles throws up over his clean washing. Dobby seems rather annoyed with him and is chastising him with Snapes, grundy pickers and oooh Dobby how did you make them fit up his nose." "Magic" Dobby called back Walburga was not to be out done "Dobby he making twice the work that means twice the punishment maybe using the Dumbledore old man nappies pickers in his other nostril will teach him a lesson. Dobby seemed to agree and after putting a bag over his own face went to work inserting the other device into Dumbles other nostril. Next we have team Slytherin and Bob Picks up the deadly Snape pants ….well I presume they are pants as my eyes are watering to much for a clear view. As regular fans know for Slytherin washing we have to use carbolic soap bleach and a pressure jet instead of the normal **Aguamenti** we have to use the elf version of a pressure washer as well for our poor Elven workers cursed by Godric as he was a sore looser. Now as the water is instantly banished, we watch as the Slytherin tuggers start the wind up and with a mighty heave let rip. "It seems Dumbles the grumble thinks that means he can soil himself" commentated Walburga " Mind you many say he was in Slytherin and not Gryffindor." Kreacher nodded "yes good master Regulus said as much before he mysteriously vanish after saying he needed to talk to the bold headed no balled git.. I mean Grumbles. Ouch I do believe that could hurt as Grumbles spins directly into the corner of Gryffindor table. The Slytherin elves are calling foul, whether that is from the smell of grumbles or the fact the table interrupted their spin I cannot tell. After Albus was again stripped of clothes the Ravenclaw team started to dress him. "Her is a strange fact Mistress.. every one says the quiet ones are the naughty ones well not in Ravenclaw, Ravenclaw house holds the record for the most pairs of granny bashers in one house the only exception is Luna Lovegood who seems to favour French knickers or none at all. This should be a simple win for them as Slytherin are in effect out the running in this competition and who thinks Hufflepuff can win." The washing is over and now the tug...Will you bloody tug the rope already geez trying to smother his massive hooter to make him more aerodynamic will not work his fat backside will counter it." The Ravenclaw elves looked and shook their heads then one smiled and simple smashed Dumbles nose with a rolling pin and then wrapped it in one of Dumbles own tea towels." Well that is a novel solution what you think mistress?" Walburga looked and nodded in her frame "yes that will reduce the wind drag by a lot." With a mighty pull (well for Ravenclaws) grumbles managed 24 spins less than Slytherin and Kreacher moaned, "Of all the idiotic things a great plan then they forget to use the strongest elves to do the pulling. He took a deep breath and "Now we have team Hufflepuff as many know team Hufflepuff have several things against them they play fair and are general beaten by Gryffindor or Slytherin though they do on occasion beat Ravenclaw but today as the rumour that Harry Potter has decided to bed as many Hufflepuffs as possible we see a large selection of hello kitty panties, thongs and my god shear French knickers and that is just from the male selection. The females seem to favour crotch less panties and peek a boo bras. It seems they have learnt from both Slytherin and Ravenclaw, as they make sure his nose is still broke then gag him with one of his own nappies then wind his now bloody tea towel clothes around his head. They also move him more central to the room. They start wrapping him in rope and wait they have remembered they need to wash him first. Well that is unusual they have conjured a massive cauldron and just dropped him in it. Oooo it looks like the labels on them panties say not to wash in water less than 50 deg so they can't hose him. Ohhh that looks like fun they are using a toilet plunger to dunk him and in a show of sportsmanship are letting the other teams have a go. "Dobby use the other end that end is just wood the end with rubber is to ….oh never mind carry on." Dobby smiled and did just that. Then in a show that even Dobby the headnutcase could be friendly called Kreacher over and handed him the plunger. "Kreacher and Mistress Black doing good job so I think you have go." Kreacher was more than happy to have a go. Mind you he seemed even worse than Dobby as he was using the plunger like a school master uses a cane "What happened to master Regulus tell me tell me." Kreacher got tired after 15 minutes and Grumbles with his head bound mouth stuffed never answered him. Once the cauldron was vanished the Hufflepuff gave the rope a might tug they used their strongest and with all the smalls being well small they set a new record. Once he had been cleaned up a bit the elves informed him it was rest time for a while before the next events. Dumbles the Grumbles never answered he was out cold. So he missed the lemon themed meals and snacks. Lemon meringue, lemon sherbet, lemonade, lemon with a helping of turbot and of course lemon tea and some lemon drops for afters. It was a strange thing but one of the main reasons the Elves were happy to be able to torment Albus to large an ego Dumbledore was because he constantly stole their lemon drops then to add insult to injury handed them out as if they were his. If he had asked any of the Lovegood's they would have told him that the Elves needed lots of lemon in their diets as it added a much needed zing to their magic and was the only thing that had any zest in their lives.

**Meanwhile in the department of Mysteries **

Rufus Scrimgeour shouted "that bastard all those hours of overtime all that screwing around with the Dementors and that bastard knew Black was innocent". Amelia shouted "that bastard no trial, no training for Potter, not telling us mouldyshorts was still around years ago, hiding proof of who were death eaters." It was obvious who liked being a cop and who wanted to be in fudges seat. Harry smiled as he thought to the prophecy they had just heard, not the one they had come here to hear, the one that said Sybill Trelawney gave it to a certain A,P,W,Dumbledore and one S, H,I,T, S.

They all looked at each other "What the fuck" came from several mouths. Amelia noticed a small label and pointed it out. Albus,Percival,Wulfric,Dumbledore well that explained the first lot of initials then they saw the second name and burst out laughing the Weasley twins defiantly needed to know about this sod them the Marauders and the Quibblers readers needed to know this. Severus Howard Igneous Trevor Snape. That was until they realised who had told Voldyshorts and set up the Potters.

But the second one that concerned him was given by none other than Petunia Dursley who it seemed was a squib "Born of those that have thrice defied the darks lords, born of randyness he shall be marked by greatness, with a helping hand from a badger his powers will grow. Evil stands no chance when the badgers lets him play with their kittens."

Harry's Uncle was confused Petunia was a astrology freak and the fact her freaky nephew was in a real prophecy made no difference to him but it seemed to set something off with Petunia. She had been weak at the knees as she heard the first prophecy and had made sure it was real. She had seen glowing white eyes, otherworldly voice and to top it all off Sybil Trelawney wrote her horoscope section in the financial times I mean how much more proof did she need.

That was when it had happened Petunia gave a shudder and started to speak in a very similar way to Trelawney and gave her very own prophecy. Vernon was confused not that it was hard to confuse him but how the hell could young badgers help kill or defeat 2 dark lords unless you ate them (he was not much of a nature buff or he would have known badgers have cubs not kittens, Now if he was a dirty minded Harry Potter he would have had his mind in the gutter faster than a speeding ticket when a copper is bored) and it gave you magic powers or something. He must have been thinking aloud because Amelia spoke up "oh yes I am sure if Harry ate some badgers kittens it would help his powers after all one of our spells is called a Patronus and that is powered by positive emotion if he ate my kitten I am sure we both would have a very strong Patronus." Harry started to get a noticeable bulge in the front of his trousers. "The more kittens the better then best see to Hannah, Tonks and Susan right away as they have all have kittens I can eat (in one sitting, session or day however you want to gauge Harry's stamina.)

**Later that day**

Harry and Susan and her aunt were wondering around Hogsmead trying to get their heads around Albus with more names than brains cells or common sense as he seemed to be the most incompetent moron anyone in the Auror service had ever heard of. The hiring of Lockhart is compelling evidence of this.

Susan smiled and was really glad she had helped Harry as she felt him respond to her Squeezing his organ she corrected herself she was really, really glad she had help then she felt her Aunts hand join hers. It was nice to share (and family bonding is important) if that is too much Hufflepuffs are renowned for giving a hand when needed (make of that what you will) and with so much to share neither had reason to be jealous of the other. Just as they left the little side ally they felt a cold start and Harry junior aka Harry the second aka Harry the impaler aka the heir maker Aka the penis with more names than Dumbledore and riddle combined.

Started to shrink. This did not make any of them happy and the Griffins on Harry's boxer shorts started where Harry the impaler left of and reared up. Looking for something to sink into. Mind you they wanted to sink their teeth and claws into something Harry the Heir Maker just wanted to go back to his nice warm love glove.

Harry looked around and saw the Dementors "bloody hell I get one day out and them things just have to turn up. No way am I letting them make me look like a Slytherin Pureblood.

Plus no way in hell are they ruining my shag time (Puff love). He pulled out his wooden wand and shouted out Expectrum patronum. Out shot Pron..."Um Harry why does your Patronus have a raging hard on?" It had to be one of the weirdest questions ever (and is sure to be talked about in the Charms Club.

He turned to see Luna Lovegood and smiled. As her eyes travelled down she smiled "well that answers that Question. Amelia forgetting for a moment the wand in her hand was flesh and not wood shouted out Expectrum patronum with her niece following suit a split second later. " Prongs changed usually a Patronus is pure white not this time Prongs created from the feelings of love and lust from the two witches using his casters ever ready wand was not pure white but slightly red or pink and instead of happiness and contentment anyone in the vicinity of Prongs got really really aroused.

With an explosion of lust what followed was the most demoralising defeat any Dementors had ever suffered since they came into being. Dementors don't normally face defeat usually they get what they want or are driven off temporarily by a conventional Patronus not this time any contact from the thrusting randy Prongs caused the Dementors to burn and melt. With great determination and vigour Prongs destroyed all the Dementors except one the oldest and biggest whose job it was to guard Sirius Black before he escaped. Prongs managed to stand on its cape as it tried to flee tripping it and to those nearby not overcome with lust, Luna were able to answer one of the oldest questions in the magical world. What does a Dementor have under its robe the answer nothing worth bragging about which made the next issue of the Quibbler and forever damaged the reputation of the Dementors magical people being what they are found it hard to fear something that has no wand or one so small it can't be found, even by a Ravenclaw. The exception being Goblins who have everybody's family jewels in the palm of their hands. The humiliation of this ancient and powerful Dementor was far from over as randy prongs repeatedly pounded it with its antlers against the walls of the Three Broomsticks causing an unholy noise and ending up in a quick release into oblivion for the Dementor and as satisfied conclusion for randy prongs. Surprisingly this did not shock those watching, as rapid pounding, noise and a happy ending for some is a common occurrence outside the Three Broomsticks, this too would have been covered in detail in the Quibbler but a blush from the elder Lovegood aka Xeno Love very Good and several anonymous donations kept the sordid history of the pub out of the Quibble for the next 1000 years or when Hufflepuff win the House Cup according to Luna Lovegood

Those Dementors who tried to run away were dealt with by a Crumple-Horned Snorlack Patronus created by Luna who grabbed Harry's meaty wand and called out Expecto patronum this extra hand pushing Harry over the edge causing a milky fluid to hit the Patronus as it left the Hufflepuff ladies emergency spare wand resulting in it growing in size ensuring that anyone watching could not miss this remarkable vision sadly in this case Luna as she was busy sucking on Harry's wand wanting to get a taste and make up for lost time and Harry was busy playing with the breasts and nipples of Susan and Amelia one in each hand and wishing he had more hands and his eyes firmly on watching them kiss and play with each other while marvelling at the love between Aunt and Niece. Were totally oblivious to the presence of a Snorlack using its fabled horn to dispatch the last Dementors in the area. The People who were in madam puddlefoots shivered and almost as one headed to the hogs head to get plastered and if that didn't work then they would obliviate each other. Some had read the Quibbler (mainly when drunk) and always asumed that the horn was like a rhinos horn. It seemed this was not the case because this crumple horned Snorlack was in one respect very similar to the wand it came out of. Namely hung like a horse or Snorlack in this case and as soon as that bit of meat became un crumpled it had decided to see if Dementors could suck as well as they kissed. The Snorlack Patronus grabbed the Dementor with its front hooves and pulled its face towards its waiting horn. giving the Dementor 2 choices eat Snorlack or self detonate and hope it could take the Snorkaks with it, it chose the second it's friends seeing one of their number bravely but futility die to stop the rampaging hard on errrm Snorlack decided riddle was not worth it and floated away at top speed back to Azkaban never to leave the island again ever. As the Dementor it caught exploded people had bits of scared to death Dementor pieces all over them On a side note it should also be noted that from that time on the Dementors avoided Boggarts like the plague no Dementor wanted to come face to eeerm face with Prongs or that Snorlack ever again even if it was only a Bogart form of it. . It seemed some Deatheater had set them onto the town or something as the Dark mark appeared not long after the Dementors not many had noticed it what with the shock of Prongs and now the Snorlack but they did now as the two Patronus wondered towards the dark magic they sensed, the snake eyed them wearily, neither Patronus had lost their ummm enthusiasm and the snake did not quite measure up to either of these two. it struggled against the magic that had called it and turned white in panic, then let out an un earthly hiss as the skull seeing what had happened to the Dementors snapped its mouth shut severing part of the snake. Many could have sworn they heard an "Oh fuck "as the two Patronus reared up before snake and skull. Only for the magic sustaining the dark mark to disappear and leaving the two Patronus looking around, spotting no more evil they headed towards Madam Puddlefoots and their casters. The poor people of Hogsmead Swore they would all say Snorkaks were real and do whatever they needed to so that no Snorlack was ever brought within a thousand miles of them. Some even thought that if they got Obliviated the site of a Snorlack would bring it all back. No it much better to say they real and ask him to go hunt some other creature. Maybe the extremely rare well hung Pureblood. Least then they knew he had no chance of ever finding one.

At some point during this battle of lust and despair a Dementor running the completely wrong way in shear terror headed towards Harry and his Women. Sadly for it the shock of it's cold made Luna Jerk her head to one side to see what was eerr coming and missed who was coming. All the females that saw it winced and said that stings in your eyes. Poor boy might make a centaur blush but his...Well I am glad it never made my head explode when it hits my face that is some potent protein shake their got their mouths err hands on. Luna Cried out "NOOOOOO I missed it again" then smiled looked at the two women with her and said "well practice makes perfect, cocked her head to one side in a very Luna manner and said "do you to need practice?"

This just a little Omake that Slytherin66 sort of set the ball rolling with by asking Questions and then helping with ideas. Dragoonz did help with some beta work and of course my invisible friend would have helped but spent to much time laughing under the table. Thanks for reading we all hop[e you like.


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